entry no. 6
june 23, 2019
BLIND.
Senior year of high school wrapped up pretty smoothly. I was accepted to the same college as my best friend. I graduated with many local scholarships and awards. I had my tight-knit group of friends. I also had a loving boyfriend who supported me throughout the end of high school. Or so I thought.
Everything seemed to be perfect until I realized that I was dating a Narcissistic guy. At first I thought his behavior was just one of his flaws, but when I saw the bigger picture of how a pattern formed with his behavior, a quick google search did the job – with consultations from friends, of course.
To give context, one of the major red flags caught my attention when he wished his mom would disappear and he talked about how much he hated her. He also had this “it’s me against the world” type of mindset, as if the universe owed him something. I’m not sure what had happened for him to think like so. When I reached out to his best friend at the time, she said he has changed a lot ever since his dad had a stroke out of nowhere and passed away.
I understand that this man has gone through that hardship at a young age and it definitely took a toll on him. As I try to put myself in his shoes, I would be mad at the universe for taking my beloved father away, without notice, without warning. I suppose he’s still holding on to that anger and he’s unable to let go. I’m not in the place to say that he’s using his family’s tragedy as an excuse, but a lot of indicators are pointing towards that. His reasoning of stealing, whether it’s shoplifting or from an unlocked car, is “a way for the world to give back to me.”
Although I spent a decent amount of time in this relationship, and took some emotional damage, I don’t regret anything looking back. I take it as a learning experience of what types of people are out there. When people see this pattern, they label them as “Narcissists” and steer away from them. I did too.
However, no one is perfect. To live with each other in this chaotic world, it’s important to understand everyone has different issues that they deal with everyday, whether it’s big or small. Yes, it’s important to block out negative energy if it’s taking a toll on you. On the other hand, to find a solution and help others starts with widening your perspective and dropping the wall of judgement.
What I’ve realized is that unresolved conflicts is a result of our attachment to our pride – to our resentment. And the ego creates that. Once we get past the hump of wrestling with our ego, we become one with our true nature, the forgiving free spirit.
To this day, I’m not sure where he is in life. I haven’t reached out to him in a while. But the next time I see a similar pattern, instead of steering away, approach it with an open heart and maybe, just maybe their world can change for the better.
